Wednesday, June 25, 2008

atonement (sans James and Keira)

i wake up each morning and remind myself that i will not make the same mistake twice. while caution may not be much of a verb in my life, it has succeeded as a slow-leaking dam, waiting. waiting. waiting. until eventually, i may be permitted to flood without consequence. but i knew, no more blitzkreig kisses, no more spitfire sharing or too soon questions, and no more deciding to let myself like until i can do so with confidence and security.

but, in my self-protective efforts, in my steadfastness with which i avoided attachment, i have made new mistakes. worse ones, in my opinion, as they haven't hurt me, but others. too much laying and lying. too much embellishment of words and bodies. the things people thought i gave them i truly had never let go of, and the consequences are... well, they're shitty. and for that, those i've stepped on, i'm deeply sorry. please know that i'm not malicious; i'm just a fool at times.

as of last night, i have put an end to my new mistakes. nothing is healed, mind you, but at least we have accurately labeled wounds as wounds. they will scab and assimilate in time.

which, frighteningly enough, leaves me open to that old mistake- willingly untethering myself and walking into the vortex. opting to plunge. in less colorful language, putting myself in a position of maximum vulnerability before i'm sure it's worth it and when i doubt it's safe. but the truth is, this is how i live my life (and my like), and I will just have to get better at super-gluing broken vases and applying makeup to scars. because kiddos, i never looked good in yellow; green is my signature hue, and I'm heading forward til we run out of road, run out of gas, or i drift into the other lane.

i'm up for the gamble; i'm ready for the liberation that comes from potential pain. well, i'm not ready, but i'm doing it. and it'll either build me or break me, but either way, i'll handle it.

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