lunch break laughage

i just finished reading tons of reccommendation letters for international students; here's a brief excerpt from one of my favorites. I tell you this now (at the noon hour) because all of the best stories are told over soup and salad.

"What first attracted me to my student, Tanika*, was her grotesque curly top and her man style of dress. I feel despite her undesirable hair and mannish apperance, you will enjoy her strong personality."

I also got an email from one of our propsective students saying "While the committee is deciding who they will and will not admit, I thought it may be important to inform them that I'm not a nerd, nor am I a lesbian. I hope this makes me a more favorable candidate. Sincerely, Chelsea*"

*Names changed to protect the innocent

and in a sudden turn of events

i'm fine.

it's almost 7 am, and i feel alive, confident, healthy.

i wish i didn't blog on a whim; you kiddos probably think papa has a disease.

i did, however, make the decision to cut back on a few things until i feel securely fastened into my skin.

let's hope this works.

today's headline: "Weekend Breaks Compass"

i'm slipping.

i'm not talking about anyone or anything in particular.

i have just been.. off.. the past 5ish days.
drastic mood swings.
euphoria followed by nausea followed by emptiness.

this is completely unjustified.
my life, both at surface and below, is going excellently.
work is stressful but enjoyable.
friendships and relationships seem mostly healthy.
i'm eating well and exercising.

yet, i'm a yin-yang yo-yo passing through the entire spectrum of human emotion in hour long spurts.

right now i just want to take a few tylenol and sleep through the night's needless confusion.

but rest is not an option, and not just because i need to be prepping for stats.
because there's a gnawing. a parasite that says "you- yes you!- you've failed to find the thing that could fix you."

vodka inspires

i enjoy you; it's true. but let's stop acting like you're out of my league.
cause the one thing i've become increasingly aware of is that i'm worth anyone's time.

let's just say we're both lucky.

goddamnit, i'm gonna have a baby!

and with one phone call, my stupid anxieties are not even footnotes to my morning. meagan just called; her water broke! Kielann is on her way:)!!!!

God bless the promise of life.

our fingers set to point

damn you for having the power to disappoint me.
and damn me for letting this happen again, for turning silence into shrapnel.
you know there's always a right thing to say
and i know that i'm being ridiculous.

the simple thing is to chock it up to your misunderstanding, my (occasional) low self-esteem
but it didn't help me close my eyes any easier last night

oh
how frustrating it is to find myself in such a limbo,
where i expect nothing, but desire much.

words that won't run through your fingers

it has been over a month since i've written in a way that wasn't a poem or a puzzle; i thought we'd celebrate the morning with a glorious throwback to the traditional blogs of yesteryear... ones with names, events, cold, hard spoonfuls of facts with explanations that have definite bounds. So, to all you diehards out there, this one's for you.

Despite those charming June moments when I found myself cripplingly torn and uncertain, this has easily been my best summer in memory. I cannot recall a longer period of general contentedness or a time in my life when i was more excited about waking up in the morning. This is an extra welcome phenomenon after the emotional whirlwind that was last year (more on that in a subsequent blog, perhaps... no, it has very little to do with anything you might be thinking it does). So, God, if you're out there, please kindly accept my "fuck yes!"

School and work- two areas that are often a source of stress and general suckage- have gone down surprisingly smooth this summer. Although I am getting tired of the frequentness and monotony that Statistics has to offer, I do find the subject matter refreshingly fascinating and sensible. Something clicks in my head about viewing the world as a series of possibilities, and the fact that these possibilities can be so easily misinterpreted or manipulated if not viewed through the proper equation... well, that just makes my little "probably-should-have-been-an-English-major" heart sing. As for work, I can't begin to describe how pleasant it is to have a job you don't dread going to every morning. Work has been getting increasingly hectic as deadlines approach, coworkers go missing, and foreign voices blur and rage, but I love working with the people I work with, I love seeing the consequences of my efforts amount to more than a slice of pizza, and I am fulfilled in knowing I have helped a student 3,000 miles away to get an education and have the best American experience possible.

But it is my summer social life that's giving the Gods something to talk about. While tragically, I have had to miss out on a lot of amazing Boonville friends and suffer that terrible void of having no Molly or Steve til mid August, the boys and girls of summer have found 50 ways to make my heart flutter. Joanna has been the ideal roommate: considerate, clean, low-maintenance, available to talk, around to hang out often but busy and social enough herself that we don't bore each other. Emily and Maggie have been wonderfully amusing girls to get more familiar with over the summer, even if I haven't seen them in over a week!:( Jeni has reappeared in my life in living color, making sure this boyo gathers no moss. And Mal and Miguel (and Katherine, when I get to see her) have become a few of my very best friends with their immense sweetness and ungraspable randomness. This is not to mention all my ATO and Dukum friends... god, it has just all been voonderbar!

As for the dating game, it entered my summer a tempest and has dissolved into an evening at the beach. 99 awful choices and 2 or 3 right ones have momentarily lent me to a boy who is good-hearted, strong-willed, and quite complimentary to me. It would seem in a lot of the places where the lord was zigging me he zagged this guy, and the result has been a rush of 360 clarity when we are together. More simply, we mesh. Now I'm not one to wager whether or not we'll ever be more than boys of summer, but I know, in the moment, I adore sharing hands with him and finding/wanting new possibilities in his eyes. I am quite thankful to find myself blanketed in such a calming and encouraging force.

It has been a summer of red letter dates, but the kinds you mention in memoirs, not calendars. I feel this is not the appropriate forum (if there is one) to discuss most of my sunsoaked happenings in a concrete fashion, but i have no problem grocery listing the past few months.
*The week I was in Boonville after interim was dangerously close to perfect. Haley's wedding was beautiful, and honestly a tad awe-inspiring when one considered they were about to partake in the fulfilled promise of love. Plus, I got to spend a lot of time with Maggie and Johnny, two of my favorite cats, and get to know Kurtis for the first time, who is truly an outstanding young man and I'm thrilled that he will be in Kirksville this semester.
* My first date with him couldn't have gone any more flawlessly. Everyone deserves an evening where you do nothing but get to know another person and let them show you how they know the world.
*Luke's birthday party was the perfect summer escape. Too much booze + old friends= the summer magic Haley Mills was talking about.
*My Warrensburg/KC weekend with Katherine was the best weekend I've ever had. I was in constant proximity to amazing people, I got to experience the Augusten Burroughs women in Katherine's life, I saw a great musical with KC Comeaux!, saw my gal pal Sam, and took in art through my eyes and skin.

This weekend is another one for my scrapbook. Nicholas and Matt have been up, and while we haven't gone on any crazy adventures, they've been two great friends to talk about life with. We've been nakedly honest in some respects, catty Sex and the City clones at times, making new friends with pretty French girls, and swapping hilarious personal stories. Matt and I have come up with a new euphemism: "I just shredded her wheat." We've yet to decide what it means exactly, but we're certain it's sexual, a little violent, and really gross. This is to be coupled with Val's "Yeah, I'd fig your newton." Plus, tonight, we get to make dinner for Jo! Three cheers:)!

It's odd to feel like summer is already coming to a close when I still have a quality month ahead. School's almost finished. Work will be ungodly stressful as we prepare for students to arrive. But I have a Boonville weekend to look forward to next week, followed next week by Maggie's birthday party con Steven and Sam!, and then a wonderful week in Oregon where I get to see my aunt and the delicious Tony Lam. Between all this, I get to hang out with Miguel, Mal, Jo, Jeni, Emily, Maggie, and a bunch of other crazy cats.

So, in conclusion: best. summer. ever.

an instant approaches

in which your silhouette will come into focus and you will remain on my tongue, crisp as laughter, defined and tangible.
in which i will realize that i'm happier when i'm with you than when i'm not.
in which blitzkriegs and guerrilla flirt tactics come to an end.
in which ambivalence dissolves and we are forced to face the reality of the moment, the consequences of the decisions we don't make.
in which we do this thing or walk away with as few ripples as possible.
in which i can't pretend like i know what i'm doing.
in which we are enough.

i hope that instant is unlike the others i've stubbed my toes on in the past.

Benigni knows

la vita è bella

what becomes of the things we say

they're never tasted the toxic comfort of a cigarette. they've never known her body. but those lips of yours, they've said those words before. i could tell by the way they escaped: bubbles, i guess, is the most accurate metaphor. bursting out in scores and drifting skywards into afterthoughts. i've never actually seen them pop (soap shrapnels on asphalt), but i'm certain they do. regardless, they don't stay. they never stay.

my lips, well, we're pretty well-versed, but when it comes to embellishing the curve of your back, they're in virgin territory. in fact, when it comes to being sincere about the places i find myself near and away from you, it's all still uncharted. so i wonder, what would happen if i put your words in my mouth and blew a kiss of them back into yours. would they pierce your skin? would they assimilate into the air, dissolving and bathing you in truth and oxygen? or would they hang like rocks around my neck, a trophy burden that i couldn't shake?

perhaps they'd crack every code in you brain, unravel every gene in your body
or perhaps they'd do nothing. maybe my mouth fires blanks... big empty rhetoric that makes a loud noise but has zero consequence, zero reward.

and what of my own words? what of the things i'd say? well, they'd be flattering, no doubt. but seeking too. craving a definition... some sort of perspective. and maybe a shot at permanence? you know, not forever, but an extended moment where it's us and we both know that's all it is.

and they would be curious to know if i was wearing the right underwear today. naming the rights songs. drinking the right juice. they would want to know if you could ever want to keep them, for a spell.

and the things you say would say yes. but what would you say if your words were new? if your words were you?

and what will happen to my words when they sound like
"stay."
"mix."
"breathe with me."
"have me."
"become something beyond yourself."

perhaps they will build like bricks that make you impossible.
perhaps they will build like bricks that bridge you to me.
or perhaps they will crackle on our tongues, forming into a sludge that burns and chokes.
just like the things we don't say.